East to West

I'm so tired, but yet I find myself sitting here...mulling over my feelings and life.  I am feeling emotionally and spiritually spent. I used to come back from retreats feeling so encouraged and on fire, and while parts of me still do, more often than not I end up coming back feeling frustrated, defeated and beat down.  Satan is winning and I know that full well, I know he has me right where he wants me, he knows my every weakness and he knows what he needs to do in order to make me stumble.  I'm almost hesitant to say this, only because this is real, this is pure and it's raw... but, it's the truth and here it is. I can not say no to my greatest struggles, it's a test that I fail EVERY SINGLE TIME. Now while I have made great strides to becoming the person who Christ has called me to be, I am still struggling to launch myself over some major hurdles, but instead of hurdles, picture brick walls wrapped in razor wire and reinforced with steel beams.

I know that I won't be completely free in Christ until I can conquer these walls, and in order to conquer these walls I must be completely surrendered. Until tonight, I thought I was wholly surrendered, I thought that I trusted him with every facet of my life, but most importantly I thought that I trusted in the fact that he wants the best for me because he loves me.  Apparently not, because if I did truly believe everything that I just said with 100% of my heart, I would break down those razor wire wrapped walls with my bare hands, I wouldn't care about the pain it is going to cost me, and I wouldn't care what it takes because knowing and experiencing the freedom that is on the other side of those walls is a freedom so pure, so full of hope, and so full of love and peace, that I will never be able to fully understand...and the best part...it's free, all I need to do is break down those walls, take up my cross daily and follow him. So why can't I do this right now, how idiotic am I that I am completely unable to fully accept the greatest gift I have ever been given!?!?! I know what I need to do, but why can't I do it. If only it were that simple. 

Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west
'cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other