...and, I'm back.

I am the worlds worst blogger. Ok so maybe not, but how about this, I'm definitely horrible with commitment. I can't even stay committed to Words With Friends and Hanging With Friends games...not that that really has anything to do with my life right now.  I really do miss writing but all it takes is that one week to get me off track and boom...I'm gone for months. All that aside, I'm back for now and man has this month been awesome. God has been showing himself to me in some pretty crazy ways recently and I can't even put into words how amazed I am at his faithfulness.

I'm really struggling with where to start right now because if I want to be able to make anything that happened today make any sense you're going to need to back track with me to about 3 months. So here goes nothing...

I started praying that God would remind me of my identity in Him instead of in myself and more specifically in my job. About 3 weeks ago we took our youth group to Harvey Cedars Bible Conference and the theme for the week was "Who Are You In Christ?" coincidence? I think not.  While at Harvey I got a call from the owner of our company telling me that the Jaguar franchise had been sold and as of August 12th the dealership would be closing.  Thankfully he also told me that day that I still had a job and I was going to have a few different options which we would talk about when I got back. However, the job that I was so passionate about and loved so much was just gone. Well thank you God, there's an answer to one prayer, I wasn't really thinking it would happen quite like that..but hey, I got the message. 

Secondly, for at least the past year or two I've just been struggling with finding joy and satisfaction with life and more specifically just really struggling with my purpose for life.  I had been feeling like I was being called in the direction of missions or ministry of some sort but had just been shoving the feelings aside because I didn't know what to do with them and to be quite honest just didn't want to listen. I was sprawled out in my sun room on the Sunday afternoon after Harvey and was feeling overwhelmed with the thought of what I was going to be up against when I went to work on Monday, with just so many unknowns and unanswered questions my mind wouldn't stop racing.  It was then that I literally said out loud to myself "hear God, do what He says" and that's when I remembered that I hadn't had my quiet time yet so I cracked open Jesus Calling, grabbed my bible and what I read next sent chills down my spine, gave me goosebumps and if I wouldn't have already been on the floor probably would have dropped me to the floor. 

If that right there with those passages wasn't enough of an answer from God as to what he wants from me I don't know what else would be.  I read Colossians, I remember I started to feel nervous, I read through Matthew, the nerves continued to grow and then as I was reading through John and read "peace be with you..." I thought, oh how appropriate because God you KNOW that I am freaking out right now. 

I don't know what it is exactly that God wants from me right now, I don't know exactly where he wants me, what I do know is this, all me wants from me, all he wants from you is to just live in Him, live in His peace and in His presence and he will make his path known to you. 

East to West

I'm so tired, but yet I find myself sitting here...mulling over my feelings and life.  I am feeling emotionally and spiritually spent. I used to come back from retreats feeling so encouraged and on fire, and while parts of me still do, more often than not I end up coming back feeling frustrated, defeated and beat down.  Satan is winning and I know that full well, I know he has me right where he wants me, he knows my every weakness and he knows what he needs to do in order to make me stumble.  I'm almost hesitant to say this, only because this is real, this is pure and it's raw... but, it's the truth and here it is. I can not say no to my greatest struggles, it's a test that I fail EVERY SINGLE TIME. Now while I have made great strides to becoming the person who Christ has called me to be, I am still struggling to launch myself over some major hurdles, but instead of hurdles, picture brick walls wrapped in razor wire and reinforced with steel beams.

I know that I won't be completely free in Christ until I can conquer these walls, and in order to conquer these walls I must be completely surrendered. Until tonight, I thought I was wholly surrendered, I thought that I trusted him with every facet of my life, but most importantly I thought that I trusted in the fact that he wants the best for me because he loves me.  Apparently not, because if I did truly believe everything that I just said with 100% of my heart, I would break down those razor wire wrapped walls with my bare hands, I wouldn't care about the pain it is going to cost me, and I wouldn't care what it takes because knowing and experiencing the freedom that is on the other side of those walls is a freedom so pure, so full of hope, and so full of love and peace, that I will never be able to fully understand...and the best part...it's free, all I need to do is break down those walls, take up my cross daily and follow him. So why can't I do this right now, how idiotic am I that I am completely unable to fully accept the greatest gift I have ever been given!?!?! I know what I need to do, but why can't I do it. If only it were that simple. 

Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west
'cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

New Life Bible Camp

We spent the weekend at New Life Bible Camp, and after going to the same place year after year you're bound to have a few adventurous trips up, right?! So last year, we missed our exit on the PA Turnpike and it took us a few extra hours to make it there because the next exit is ya know, quite a few miles away!  This year, we barely made it to our rest stop, we emerged through the last tunnel on the turnpike and our fearless bus driver Mike noticed that this headlights weren't very bright, he attributed this to the rain/wet snow mess that we were driving through, but a few miles before our rest stop, we basically had no lights, we were losing our windshield wipers fast and there was really nothing we could do about it.  Praise the Lord we made it safely to our rest stop and Mike started making some calls, we were able to find an 24 hour emergency service to help replace our blown alternator and after 2 and a half hours we were back on the road again! We finally made it up to camp around 130am, unloaded the bus and immediately went to bed. Even though we were getting quite bored sitting in the Sideling Hill travel plaza for a few hours, I'm still praising God because we 1. made it safely and 2. weren't stuck on the bus with almost 30 teenagers along the side of the road!

Saturday we slept in a little later than normal because of our late night, still not quite enough sleep, but we got enough to function! Our "guest speaker" for the weekend was our very own Pastor Doug and he did a great job. Our theme was "Don't Waste Your Life", I love how Doug is able to bring home such important messages to our teens in such simple and effective ways.  We played some kickball (I am so out of shape, I'm struggling to walk today as a result of one hour of kickball...pathetic, I know) Some went hiking, fishing, went on a zip line, canoeing, and we played lots of basketball and floor hockey.  However, while playing basketball, I made a shot, my elbow popped, and now has a sharp pain and my pinky is numb...I'm not to concerned because it's not turning funny colors, so I'm just going to wait this one out and see if it gets better!

Last night, I had hopes for getting a better nights sleep since Friday night deemed a huge fail. We went to bed sometime a little after 1, which is fine except that sometime around 330 am I was woken up by one of my girls flailing around in her bed and screaming "How the heck do I get out of here?!?!" myself along with one of the other girls asked her if she was okay and at that point she had woken up, extremely confused hanging with a leg over the edge of her bed and said "yeah" in a pretty confused voice. Thankfully this added quite a few laughs to the morning.  I quickly fell back to sleep only to be woken up again because I kind of felt like my hair was moving, so without really thinking I put my hand through my hair and can only assume that I grabbed a stink bug....AAAAAAHHHH!!!! It was pitch black so I have no idea what I grabbed, but whatever it was got quickly thrown across the room and then I had a very hard time falling back to sleep.  With all that being said, I just woke up a little big ago after a glorious 2 hour nap, I could have probably just went to bed at 530 but I have one of the youth girls sleeping over tonight and then she is job shadowing me tomorrow. 

Sorry I don't have any pictures, I'll just have to wait for some of my girls to put pictures up so I can steal them from Facebook :)