If these walls could talk...

It's been years, 2 years since I've been here. Publicly at least, I have many blog posts written, but I haven't had the courage to post them.  Something about change always makes me come to this place, writing allows me to express my feelings in ways that I am otherwise unable to express them.

I am currently surrounded by boxes, and piles of things waiting to be put into boxes. I am ending a season of life, a journey that started 3 years ago on Shady Oak Dr. So much life has happened in this place, memories and experiences that have molded me and shaped me. I had my first heartbreak in the exact spot that I am writing this post. Later collapsing at the foot of my front door after he left for the very last time. I couldn't believe that following my heart and loving God more than loving him would hurt so bad. God is sovereign though, and that same door that had closed a chapter of my life soon started to welcome new faces. Old faces too, but this time, in new ways. My front door has seen late nights and early mornings. It's felt anger.  It knows that goodbyes are hard, but the welcome home's are even sweeter.

In the end, all of the "things" that make this place home are going with me, but even all of the "things" are not what makes this home. It's not my Keurig, it's not my TV or even my front door.  Home is wherever I make it, it's where my Warrior girls know where to find me.  It's where they know I have an open door and usually empty fridge. Home is where I entertain, count sheep and find peace. Home doesn't need an address, home needs open arms and a warm cup of coffee.  

So here's to my new home to new beginnings and to doing life in a whole new way.  

...and, I'm back.

I am the worlds worst blogger. Ok so maybe not, but how about this, I'm definitely horrible with commitment. I can't even stay committed to Words With Friends and Hanging With Friends games...not that that really has anything to do with my life right now.  I really do miss writing but all it takes is that one week to get me off track and boom...I'm gone for months. All that aside, I'm back for now and man has this month been awesome. God has been showing himself to me in some pretty crazy ways recently and I can't even put into words how amazed I am at his faithfulness.

I'm really struggling with where to start right now because if I want to be able to make anything that happened today make any sense you're going to need to back track with me to about 3 months. So here goes nothing...

I started praying that God would remind me of my identity in Him instead of in myself and more specifically in my job. About 3 weeks ago we took our youth group to Harvey Cedars Bible Conference and the theme for the week was "Who Are You In Christ?" coincidence? I think not.  While at Harvey I got a call from the owner of our company telling me that the Jaguar franchise had been sold and as of August 12th the dealership would be closing.  Thankfully he also told me that day that I still had a job and I was going to have a few different options which we would talk about when I got back. However, the job that I was so passionate about and loved so much was just gone. Well thank you God, there's an answer to one prayer, I wasn't really thinking it would happen quite like that..but hey, I got the message. 

Secondly, for at least the past year or two I've just been struggling with finding joy and satisfaction with life and more specifically just really struggling with my purpose for life.  I had been feeling like I was being called in the direction of missions or ministry of some sort but had just been shoving the feelings aside because I didn't know what to do with them and to be quite honest just didn't want to listen. I was sprawled out in my sun room on the Sunday afternoon after Harvey and was feeling overwhelmed with the thought of what I was going to be up against when I went to work on Monday, with just so many unknowns and unanswered questions my mind wouldn't stop racing.  It was then that I literally said out loud to myself "hear God, do what He says" and that's when I remembered that I hadn't had my quiet time yet so I cracked open Jesus Calling, grabbed my bible and what I read next sent chills down my spine, gave me goosebumps and if I wouldn't have already been on the floor probably would have dropped me to the floor. 

If that right there with those passages wasn't enough of an answer from God as to what he wants from me I don't know what else would be.  I read Colossians, I remember I started to feel nervous, I read through Matthew, the nerves continued to grow and then as I was reading through John and read "peace be with you..." I thought, oh how appropriate because God you KNOW that I am freaking out right now. 

I don't know what it is exactly that God wants from me right now, I don't know exactly where he wants me, what I do know is this, all me wants from me, all he wants from you is to just live in Him, live in His peace and in His presence and he will make his path known to you. 

East to West

I'm so tired, but yet I find myself sitting here...mulling over my feelings and life.  I am feeling emotionally and spiritually spent. I used to come back from retreats feeling so encouraged and on fire, and while parts of me still do, more often than not I end up coming back feeling frustrated, defeated and beat down.  Satan is winning and I know that full well, I know he has me right where he wants me, he knows my every weakness and he knows what he needs to do in order to make me stumble.  I'm almost hesitant to say this, only because this is real, this is pure and it's raw... but, it's the truth and here it is. I can not say no to my greatest struggles, it's a test that I fail EVERY SINGLE TIME. Now while I have made great strides to becoming the person who Christ has called me to be, I am still struggling to launch myself over some major hurdles, but instead of hurdles, picture brick walls wrapped in razor wire and reinforced with steel beams.

I know that I won't be completely free in Christ until I can conquer these walls, and in order to conquer these walls I must be completely surrendered. Until tonight, I thought I was wholly surrendered, I thought that I trusted him with every facet of my life, but most importantly I thought that I trusted in the fact that he wants the best for me because he loves me.  Apparently not, because if I did truly believe everything that I just said with 100% of my heart, I would break down those razor wire wrapped walls with my bare hands, I wouldn't care about the pain it is going to cost me, and I wouldn't care what it takes because knowing and experiencing the freedom that is on the other side of those walls is a freedom so pure, so full of hope, and so full of love and peace, that I will never be able to fully understand...and the best part...it's free, all I need to do is break down those walls, take up my cross daily and follow him. So why can't I do this right now, how idiotic am I that I am completely unable to fully accept the greatest gift I have ever been given!?!?! I know what I need to do, but why can't I do it. If only it were that simple. 

Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west
'cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other